Previously on "United States of Tara"...
Read this book. It's about a patient who I helped.
That boy stopped thinking he was a kite
when I convinced him he wasn't a kite.
It's not the same. I'm not a kite.
You know what also you're not? You're not seven people.
The shower is on Sunday. You promised.
"Oh, my God. I fucked up your wedding.
Let me make it up to you"... that's what she said.
If we need money so bad, get a job.
My brother says the sooner I start,
the sooner I'll be back.
Just come back to us, okay?
Who can do a tiny favor for me in Tulsa.
I'm Evan. I know Tulsa.
Oh, you're the guy.
Would you be interested
in having some pretty good fried chicken
and/or bad Sushi with me?
That's... that's sweet, Kate. I-I just... I can't.
Marshall: What's beaverlamp?
Your father's rock 'n' roll band.
Average beer band.
Weird name.
Go get one. Okay, so I...
Didn't...Realize you had company.
It's a movie about your family, right?
We need the personal.
I know what it is.
It's not a monster movie.
It's not a dysfunctional family.
It's a love story.
[ Recorder beeps ] Dr. hattaras: You're not Tara anymore, are you?
[ Calm, menacing voice ] You will not win.
Say that again.
You will not win.
[ Wind whistling ]
[ Sirens wailing in distance ]
[ Screams ]
Tara: It's completely true.
My sciatic pain is gone, my core is stronger,
even my bowels are just...
mom! Eww! Tara!
What? I'm just saying... yoga works.
Is that steak? Mm-hmm. Omega-3s.
Mood-boosters for you sad sacks.
Look at you!
It's like someone stole the cream from your ho hos.
Well, last I checked,
your partner didn't take a job out of state
and leave you at home with a wailing infant.
Where is said infant?
Oh, shit.
Wow.
How about you, Kate?
Still mooning over Evan the commuter?
Oh, I can't help it.
He's just immune to my charms.
I'm like, "how?"
Maybe he's running guns for the Finnish mafia.
Can't get involved.
Yeah, or maybe he's allergic to desperation.
Aw. Look who just got off the shuttle bus from jerksville.
Sorry. No sleep. I was up editing.
Oh, how's your film going?
In my head, it's unique, nuanced,
but when it comes out, it's like...
A frog doing somersaults on a field,
and you can't see the frog 'cause he's too green
and you can't hear him 'cause the grass is too soft.
[ Laughs ]
Don't stress, baby.
These things find their own way somehow.
Mmm, yeah. [ Chuckles ]
Well, hello, there, cheerful.
That is more like it!
Eww.
Oh, dudes!
I got a lot to be cheerful about.
I got a red-hot sexy mama in my kitchen
making me a chow-down,
a couple clicks away from my 30th birthday party...
[ chuckles ]
Huh? My job uses negative-5% of my brain.
And I recently rediscovered chastity stargazer.
Who?
My vintage Fender stratocaster electric guitar.
Hey, I was thinking...
instead of doing your party here,
why don't we rent that place on metcalf
where we used to get shit-faced and watch minor-league hockey?
And you could get beaverlamp back together
for a little reunion gig!
Horrible idea.
Yeah, completely. I love it.
Yeah!
I don't need a do-over shower or anything.
Let's throw chastity stargazer a party.
Okay, it can be a double party.
Baby shower in the afternoon, birthday boozefest at night.
Whoo-hoo!
Haul your mambo into the mini, sister. We're late.
Oh, shit. Here, take this.
Okay, well, I'll see you guys on the flippity-flop.
'Kay. Who's that?
Oh, that was college Tara.
Yeah! She's back.
[ Knock on window ]
[ Muffled ] Spicy, sweet, tangy, tart.
Ah!
Wonderful.
All right, Kansas, you win this one.
Have I missed an appointment?
No... tomorrow.
I just wanted to say hi...
And talk to you about the "b-minus" you gave me.
Oh, yeah... "b-minus."
Your essay on schizophrenia was abysmal.
But maybe you missed that lecture
when you were driving your car into your pregnant sister.
Well, I've been acing my other classes... two a's,
plus, my etchings are on display in the student lounge.
[ Grunts ]
So, just...Thank you...
So much.
Mm. That's all right.
Um, tomorrow, I'm gonna have to cancel... bad timing.
No problem. We can reschedule.
And the rescheduling... got to cancel that, as well.
Very bad timing.
Wait... you mean... Like, forever?
[ Chuckles ]
Apologies.
It's been swell.
Is this some kind of weird test, or...
[ Rock music playing, Max imitating guitar ]
Oh, Kyle, sweet! You nailed it!
Oh, that was heavy.
We had something there, right?
Yeah. I mean, come on.
Let's grease her up, see if she'll still shimmy.
Well, I haven't played out since my colon cancer.
I'm self-conscious about the colostomy bag.
You just wear your strap up higher. No biggie.
I called some of the guys.
I mean, come on, Kyle. What's it gonna take?
What are we, a couple senior citizens?
New brick inlay in my patio.
Dude.
Or a couple more beers. My man.
[ Laughs ] Yeah! Beaverlamp!
Yeah.
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ As buck ] And that...
Is how you dine on the vagine.
[ Laughs ] I was not expecting that.
Should we be watching these?
Probably not.
The film-festival judges are gonna eat this shit up.
The fucked-up-family narrative...
it's like their token genre.
I don't think I want to use them.
Why not?
Mom at her freakiest... center ring, once again.
Watch her struggle, America!
It's totally poignant.
This isn't a '70s mental-illness docudrama.
[ Sighs ]
Do we have any footage of my dad?
College stuff and group scenes.
Why?
I don't know.
Maybe this movie is really about him.
Max Gregson... the man who fell in love with that.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Uh, tantalizing treats for discriminating palates?
I'd love a biscotti, please.
Here.
Uh... [ Clears throat ]
I'm assuming you didn't hear
my request for a dry Italian cookie...
why did you turn me down the other day?
[ Groans ]
I knew it.
Okay, I'm not used to being rejected,
and apparently I'm not very good at it,
but I'm pretty sure that we have chemistry,
so what gives?
Okay.
Point... Evan just got out of a rocky marriage.
Point... Evan has a child.
Point... Evan lives a trillion Miles away.
Point... Evan has crabs.
Evan doesn't have crabs.
That... man, that killed in my head.
"Pubic lice" are funnier.
Sorry about your wife. Good luck with the kid.
Since when is having a child
a reason to not go on a date?!
A child?
Are we talking an adult decision or teenage fuck-up?
Well, I don't know, because I didn't even get that far.
Well, sweetheart, that is a lot of baggage right there.
I mean, you're too young and adorable
to get bogged down in that.
Why not leave some room for the simple things in life,
like cooking and... Being with family?
Ugh. College Tara is much cornier than artist Tara.
Bean curd? What are we making?
Miso tofu tacos with ginger cilantro dressing.
We're "mexicasian" tonight.
Yay. [ Sighs ]
Hey, girls, what's a better lyric...
* you took the breath of my soul away *
or...
* you took my breath, and you flew away *
"breath of my soul"?
Yeah, it's like "Peter Gabriel meets sting."
Must they meet?
Oh, Jesus, Tara!
Whoa! I forgot how to use a knife for a second.
Uh, sweetheart, can you just wash the blood off this for me?
Ew! Thanks.
[ Guitar strumming ]
* well, you can't get money if you never get paid *
* whoo-hoo! *
* got a baby in a nappie and another gettin' made *
* whoo-hoo! *
um, so...
[ Sighs ]
Why did you quit the band?
Oh, call it an extended hiatus.
I, um...
Well, your mom was having Kate.
Do you regret it?
Mm...
No.
No, I'd rather be a badass dad than a half-assed guitarist.
And you kids turned out pretty damn spectacular,
if I do say so myself.
[ Plays blues riff ]
When did you realize mom was unstable?
Pbht.
College...I guess, yeah.
So, then you had Kate?
Well, she wasn't exactly planned.
Yeah.
A-and then you decided to have another child?
Well, yeah, your mom loved being pregnant, and...
Back then, kids came in pairs, like slippers.
But she was sick.
Well, we didn't...Really know
what was going on with her back then.
So, why didn't you consider how that would affect us?
Well, there's good and bad
with every choice in life, marsh.
W-were you so freaked out,
you needed more of us to help you cope or something?
You were the best fuckin' decision we ever made,
and I'd do it again in a second.
Interview over.
I got rehearsal.
You okay?
Yeah.
You sure? 'Cause you don't look so...
could you, uh, maybe go home?
I don't need a caretaker.
Yeah.
[ As Alice ] She bled all over the julienned root vegetables.
You were supposed to be watching her.
[ As shoshana ] Well, it wasn't my shift.
It was buck's.
Well, someone has to tell that peacock of a Professor.
[ Gasps ]
Severe-weather alert, huh?
Think this jalopy will take off?
Not a chance.
I hope you brought tarmac activities.
Oh, I see you're well-equipped.
Oh. Slim pickins at the relay.
"A hilarious tale of married life, toddlerhood,
and the perils of throwing a fabulous surprise party"...
mm. Wait.
"...On a budget."
[ Gasps ] Wow.
I'm sorry that I got in your face before.
But it's not matrimony, dude. It's a date.
Like humans do.
Yeah, and I'm sure a dozen men
on any number of these commuter flights
would be up for a superficial fling
with a young, cute stewardess.
I'm just not that guy.
"Flight attendant." And did you just call me superficial?
No, I called the fling superficial,
in spite of what you're reading.
Hey! Foul!
We already established this was a gag purchase.
Still, you bought it.
Well, I am not judging you
by your shitty polyester carry-on, which is horrible,
and you should fork over the scratch for a decent bag,
because that, my friend, says "I loathe myself."
Oh.
[ Telephone ringing ]
This is Kate.
Fuck. Thanks.
[ Feedback ]
Due to inclement weather conditions,
skykans flight 35 from Tulsa to Kansas City has been canceled.
Passengers can collect vouchers for the nearby budget-stay.
[ Singsong voice ] Bring hand sanitizer.
[ Pounding on door ]
We're closed, Tara.
It's buck, fucker.
You ain't ditchin' that woman now.
Shit's goin' down she don't even know about.
You must be that part of her that shoots bullets into birds.
You think I'm fuckin' around?
I ain't fuckin' around.
What does "you will not win" mean?
Who will not win? Is that me or you?
Oh, shit.
I thought I could have handled this on my own.
I'm swimming up the wrong fuckin' stream.
I been looking, but he's still out there.
I got to find him before he finds her.
Got to record this.
[ Grunts ]
[ Recorder clatters ]
Sorry. Thought it was a pistol.
Okay.
Nice earrings, buck. Are they 22-karat?
[ As Tara ] Oh.
Awkward.
Who brought me here?
Oh... buck. It was buck.
[ Sighs ] I think they're getting restless.
Feeling threatened, maybe?
The strangest thing this morning...
I woke up to them talking... to each other, not me.
That never happens.
I didn't quite catch what they were saying, but...
it seems I am unexpectedly consumed
with the business of defending decades of psychiatric work.
C'est la vie.
And also...
Déjà vu.
I think we've done this before, haven't we?
Good morning.
[ Lock clicks ]
Hey, who wants to hear
a little "ave Maria," downtown-style?
[ Off-key ] * ave Maria *
* gratia tecum *
* domin... *
guys, come on.
We've been bullshitting for two hours,
haven't played the song once.
[ Muffled ] It's not a quality tune, Max.
We wrote it in 30 minutes.
I so wanted to be a roadie for the counting crows,
but I was in massage school.
[ Feedback ] And then I got mono, so...
Hey, babe, can you help me a sec?
Yeah.
Come on. 10 minutes... hard.
Streamers, salsa,
and, in keeping with the double-themed party...
These little buggers shall be filled with vodka.
"Come for the tots, stay for the shots."
[ Chuckles ]
How goes it in there?
Like exhuming a corpse.
Amps are buzzing, my song's terrible,
Ted won't quit messing around.
Ted: * aaaaah! *
I just put myself on suicide watch.
Well...
[ Laughing ] Oh, no!
Are you fucking kidding me? You made that?
Yes! That's repulsive.
I know! I love it!
[ Chuckles ] It's gonna be fu-u-n!
[ Laughs ]
Oh, and, uh...
Hattaras dumped me.
What?
W-why?
The boy who thought he was a kite,
the one from Jack's book?
He, uh...
He jumped from a building with a string tied to his ankle.
What?!
Mm.
I thought hattaras was...
so did he.
But I refuse to freak out about it.
I'm doing self-affirmations.
I'm not even his patient.
And...
I live in a reality where people aren't objects, so...
[ Sighing ] Oh, God.
Let's not play "sick wife/ concerned husband," okay?
It bums me out.
Look, don't I have the right just to be a little worried?
Baby, I'm good.
Believe it, please.
It makes me feel better when you do.
* ...Et in hora mortis nostrae! *
too early? No.
And so my dad storms off, and I'm all quiet,
and...This...Look... Creeps over his face.
And he's like, "you okay?"
And I just... I want to puke.
Did you?
No.
I made him leave.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Real answer or selfish one?
Either. Both.
[ Sighs ]
Real...
You have intimacy issues.
You're terrified of becoming your parents,
and those little sweater vests you wear
are, like, your armor.
Thank you, Dr. Phil.
Roadside therapy. Take it or leave it.
What's the selfish answer?
[ Sighs ]
You won't let Noah in because...
You're still in love with me.
I'll ignore that...Crushing silence.
I don't want to talk.
Can we not talk?
Can you just fuck me? Is that okay?
Lionel, don't. [ Engine turns over ]
News flash, asshole... no one likes to be used.
I'm sorry, okay? I-I'm sorry.
Fuck off.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sniffles ]
Eww! Look at this!
Your room is so much grosser than mine!
Oh, thanks. Is this ketchup or blood?
It's blood. It's definitely blood.
That's too dark for ketchup.
Oh, gross!
[ Sighs ]
See?
You can go through a horrifying divorce
and have a child and still manage to have fun.
Okay. All right.
Yeah, well, I'm a little gun-shy, I'll admit.
It's been a hell of a decade.
Ugh. It's been that long?
Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
She, uh, she fell out of love with me...
waited seven years to break the news.
[ Scoffs ] Sweet.
That sucks.
Well, I don't know, you know?
It's tough to have a conversation with an empty bed.
Last year, I was home a total of 87 days.
A couple of them were actually consecutive.
What do you do, exactly?
Mm.
I, um, I buy land from retired farmers,
and then I lease it to energy companies for wind turbines.
That sounds...
Interesting?
[ Chuckles ]
Okay, all right. Yes, I am an electrifying drunk.
[ Chuckles ]
What about that one?
Mayo or semen?
That one?
Uh, neither. That is too high.
So... I'm gonna go with...
Hair lotion.
What?! Yep.
It's on the wall.
How vigorously do you lotion your hair?
That's really personal.
[ Laughs ]
I understand. It all makes sense.
[ Chuckles ]
I like you.
Um...
[ Chuckles ]
Hey, they're predicting storms all weekend,
so I'm gonna rent a car, drive back tomorrow.
It's like five hours.
You want a ride?
Another for the slide show.
I look like a bloated warthog.
You want all pictures of you and none of wheels.
It's my shower.
I'm putting some in.
Who is this?
[ Sighs ]
What are you doing?
"Mommy and me" exercises...
lose the baby weight and teach my daughter
great habits that will last a lifetime.
Okay.
So...Set up the chafing dishes at 2:00,
start cooking at 2:30.
Oh, your hippie friend Rachel bailed this morning.
I bought all this fucking soy crap for her.
Who's gonna eat spinach vegan dip?
And the party games are gonna have an odd number,
and the cake is too big.
Fuck. I left the dip in the trunk.
We have nothing for the crudités.
God, I hate it when you get like this.
Ted: Hello?
Back here!
Hi.
Too costumey?
No. Really?
I feel like I veered from "hipster rocker"
straight into "disco homo."
Mm. It's a fine line.
You just had all that hanging around?
Yep... intended for a junior version of my current rump.
I was a dancer. Really? What kind?
Oh, the kind that pulls wet $50s
from his spandex at 4:00 A.M.
[ Chuckles ]
What are you ladies up to?
Oh, Charmaine's just about to tell me
she's afraid I'm gonna fuck up her shower again.
No, I wasn't.
Just admit it, Charmaine.
Tara, seriously, stop that.
I can go.
Oh, sorry, no. Oh, God. It's me. I'm sorry.
Um...I'm just trying to be on top of things,
and I'm kind of freaking out about...Whatever.
Party planning is clearly not my thing.
You're dripping smoothie on your daughter.
Oh. Shit.
I'm sorry, peanut.
[ Cassandra coos ]
[ Knock on window ]
Yeah?!
Hey.
Come in. Sit down.
Enjoy yourself.
"Send."
An e-mail to my publisher...
Who wishes I was dead.
You know what I miss most since I moved to this vast
[ muffled ] And far-away state?
Complicated cheeses.
A sweet ubriaco, aged murcia curado.
The American cheese and Swiss are fine if you're...
Dead.
Actually, they're never fine.
But you're not here to talk about cheese.
No. Um...
Listen, I appreciate everything you've done for Tara,
and I'm sorry to hear about your...
Kite kid and all that,
but I, uh...
I don't know. I think you owe her a little more.
Max, tell me...
what is it you want, in one sentence or less?
I guess I kind of...
I want you to deliver on your promise to her.
That's not true.
You want to know if she's gonna end up
face down on the pavement with a ribbon pinned to her ass.
[ Sighs ]
Well, I tell you... I can medicate it.
I can give it a few good years.
But the truth is, it is never gonna get any better.
Ever.
[ Sighs ]
Sometimes you feel you deserve ubriaco,
but life just gives you Swiss.
[ Muffled ] We still must all eat.
I'd like to make a toast to an amazing shower.
You did it, girlie! You pulled it off!
Yay for me! Yay!
[ Chuckles ] Mmm!
And...
To the electrifying and magnanimous return
of beaverlamp!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Testing, one, two. Check, one, two.
I can't wait to rock out with my cock out! Whoo!
Nice tie. Sherbety.
Yeah, it's my festive attire.
I was a total dick the other day.
Oh, I didn't take it personally.
Family shit is grim.
[ Sighs ] Carnage.
Yeah, slob.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, well, this was ridiculously fun.
Yeah.
Thank you for the ride, and thank you for stopping
every 30 minutes for my microbladder.
[ Chuckling ] Yeah, of course. Yeah. Anytime.
Uh, except every other Friday, Saturday, Sunday...
kid days.
Right.
And Tuesday mornings... pilates.
[ Chuckles ] Right.
[ Chuckles ]
Sorry.
Um, and this is just a family thing.
Oh, yeah, no. I totally get it.
No... no worries.
Plus, I'll see you in two weeks.
8:00 A.M. To Springfield.
Yeah, right... bright and early.
Yeah.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
Uh, you need help?
No, no, no.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
Tara: Come on!
Charmaine: Whoo, whoo, whoo! Hey!
Katie-Kate! You made it!
Ohh, just in time! Hi, sweetheart!
Hi, mom.
Hey, thanks for coming down, everybody.
It's good to be back onstage with the beaverlamp boys!
[ Crowd cheers ]
I want to dedicate this first song
to my beautiful and amazing wife, Tara.
[ Crowd awws ]
* lazy *
* got a feelin' that I could be somethin' big *
* if you dig *
* but I'd rather do nothin' with you *
* lazy *
* on the couch with a good beer and a cig *
he played this song the night he proposed!
How sweet!
I know!
* my friends all call me bastard *
* slob, disaster *
look at dad! He's shredding!
He looks so happy!
I'm gonna go grab the cake.
All right.
* my doll in tatters *
* we're mad as hatters *
* you mess up my room *
* make me feel human *
* lazy *
* got a feelin' that I could be somethin' big *
* if you dig *
* but I wanna do nothin' *
* on the couch with a good beer and a cig *
* it's a gig *
* but I'd rather do nothin' with you *
* lazy *
* with my gang of hecklers *
* success-rejectors *
* milady *
* with your silent laughter and violent rapture *
* you mess with my head *
* and unmake my bed *
* lazy *
* got a feelin' that I could be somethin' big *
* if you dig *
* 'cause I wanna do nothin' with you *
* lazy *
* on the couch with a good beer and a cig *
* it's a gig *
* I wanna do nothin' with you *
[ guitar solo ]